


Canon v Fanon

by Ashynarr



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, Mostly Through My Own Versions of Alfred and Matthew, Poking Fun at Fandom Cliches, Whom I Claim to be Canon but Probably Aren't Entirely
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-11 04:52:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3314708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashynarr/pseuds/Ashynarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because sometimes the fandom needs to be reminded what canon is actually like...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Original Parody

**Author's Note:**

> This is making use of /my/ America and Canada in the comparison (as the 'canon' characters, although I will admit they aren't completely true to canon). Country names are generally used for the fanon characters, while human names are the canon characters.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Alfred and Matthew Are More Than A Bit Annoyed With Their Fanon Portrayals.

The logistics behind it really weren't important. All they needed to know was that somehow, they'd (once again) ended up in an alternate universe, and had (once again) ended up face to face with their dimensional counterparts.

(The worst had to be the one with the ponies... they swore to never mention it or even think of it again.)

This time, their counterparts were human Nations, a nice reprieve from the alternating fully-human, or non-human Nation, or just plain non-human. However, there were some small differences. These versions, for example, didn't have human names, and they also didn't have to go out of their way to hide what they were. On the other hand...

"Holy fuck, can I be any more obnoxious?" Alfred cringed slightly as he muttered to Matthew, both tuning out the unintelligible speech America was giving. Beside them, Canada was doing a poor job of trying to make himself heard - the apparent lack of any vocal chords probably didn't help.

"If he calls me Canadia one more time I am punching him in the face, multi-versal consequences be damned." An eye twitched.

"If he calls you Canadia one more time,  _I'm_  going to punch him in the face. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm an asshole." He matched the twitch.

"And this comes as a shock to you because..." A raised eyebrow as he turned to glance at his brother.

"Shut up, Mr. No One Remembers My Name." Was snapped back.

"Oh, such tough words from the guy who eats his own body weight in burgers for lunch." Now the northern Nation was smirking slightly, giving his brother a 'bring it' look.

"At least I'm not using a bear as a security blanket!" Alfred saw the challenge and took it, matching the grin.

As their argument proceeded to go into the ridiculous, both Canada and America watched in increasing bafflement at how...  _casual_  the two were with each other. America had quickly believe the two when they said they were them from another universe, and Canada had just gone with it because they actually noticed him and remembered his name. But now they were second-guessing it, because they had never been as close as these two obviously were.

Canada found himself jealous because this version of him was... well, he wasn't invisible. From what he could tell, this him had never suffered from a lack of voice or presence. He was more outgoing, more confident, and less afraid to state his opinion. Most importantly, he didn't back down, especially when his brother was involved. He was everything he wanted to be, and he had the bonus of a brother that wasn't a complete asshole most of the time.

America was... confused. Yes, he understood that obviously things were different in other universes. But that didn't mean this other him had to be so... so... not like him! Sure, he still had the sweet jacket, and sure this guy had some cool stuff from Tony (and man, he wished his Tony was half as cool; he never got to play with any alien tech!), but did he really have to be so chill with his loser brother? At least England put up a fight most of the time when he got on his nerves; Canadia would either take it or snap and go on a long rant that someone else would have to intervene in because he didn't know when to stop.

He would never admit to jealousy (because that would require actually admitting to some sort of failing, which as the hero he obviously didn't have!), but this other Canada was much more interesting than his own. This one had been holding his own the entire time in a fight which had somehow gone from taunting each other to debating whether it was more likely to be Tony's fault or England's for the fact that they were there.

"It's not like England's magic is real; Jeeze, I figure'd you'd know that at least." America butted in when Alfred had started complaining about magical friends. Alfred and Matthew both blinked, apparently having forgotten the two were there, something Canada was used to but America wasn't.

"Yeah, sure dude. Wasn't talking about England's friends anyway, we were talking about ours."

Dead silence. "What?" Both Nations said, confused.

Matthew blinked. "You know, Nanuq and Nanabohzo and the others? The Native Spirits?"

Alfred quickly continued. "Don't tell England though; it's too much fun telling him I don't believe him about those types of things and seeing him go out of his way to prove it."

His brother blinked, before he narrowed his eyes. "You didn't do that in the past few days, did you?"

He held up his hands. "Please, I haven't even talked to him in the past three weeks because of all the stuff I've had to deal with back home. If he's the reason we're here, it's not my fault."

"Wait wait wait..." America recaptured their attention. "You're telling me you actually believe in that kind of thing?"

Alfred and Matthew shrugged. "It's hard not to when the proof lives with you everyday demanding pancakes and bacon."

"That's him, anyway; Me and the other American Nations have to either wait for ours to show up or get Misigi to track them down, and lemme tell you, that is always a pain in the ass."

Canada quietly asked "Do you mean Kumajirou? But he's just a bear..."

Matthew stared at his counterpart, eyebrow raised. "Kumawhat? What kind of name is that?"

Alfred snickered. "I think it's Japanese for 'bear friend', and I bet it'd be really easy to piss off Nanuq with that name."

Blank face. "Well don't come crying to me when he tears you a new one."

Alfred put a hand over his heart. "Your concern for my health is overwhelming. Really."

"I'm not the idiot who taunts powerful spirits and extra-dimensional beings for the fun of it. I'm more worried about your apparent  _lack_  of concern for your health."

"Pfft, I'm the United States of America - those things have nothing on me!"

Matthew just sighed the sigh of someone who was sadly very used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...yeah... there's a very good reason I tend to not follow the general flow of the rest of the fandom. God, is it really so difficult to look at their interactions in canon and realize they're actually like best of bros? Hello, that's real world canon too! Sheesh.


	2. Cereal- I mean Serial Killer!Canada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Murder Is Never The Answer

"H-hey, Canada, there's really no reason ya have to do this-"

"Shut up!" Canada threw another knife, America barely dodging in time. "You're the reason I'm always ignored! Always mistaken for you, always paying for your mistakes."

The man grinned, laughing deeply. "But I'm going to fix all of that soon, starting with you, you fat, miserable piece of-"

Two thumps sounded outside the bedroom door, followed by groaning. Canada frowned, lowering the blade he'd been about to take to the other Nation. "There shouldn't be anybody here… I made sure no one would come by today."

America freverently prayed it was some sort of rescue team here to lock up his sudden nutjob of a neighbor.

Canada slowly pushed open the door, blade hidden just out of sight of whoever had suddenly decided to show up, but still clearly visible to the frightened superpower. America used the distraction to try to look for a way out, but Canada had been thorough - there were no windows to escape through, and he didn't think he could break down a wall before he ended up mincemeat.

"God damnit, Al," Someone who sounded like his brother but couldn't have been muttered from outside. "Where'd you sent us this time?"

"What makes you think I know?" America put a hand to his throat, wondering why his voice was now coming from that direction.

"Who are you?" Ah, there was the psycho, though he was using his 'oh look I'm totally not a killer in the making' voice. Canada seemed confused and nervous, his blade twitching as he looked at whoever was speaking, though America couldn't see them from where he was.

Wait, he could fix that. He slowly started scooting towards the corner, but was only able to see two pairs of jean clad legs before he bumped into the other wall.

"Dude, we're you from another universe. Well, he is anyway, I'm Alfred. Or America. Whichever one you use."

Blink. Blink blink. Pinch- ow.

Okay, so apparently he'd just somehow saved himself. He didn't know whether that was cool or weird. Whatever, the longer other-him (if that was who he was) distracted the crazy guy, the better chance he had to find something to knock Canada out with so that he could…

What, throw him in jail? Get him therapy? Hug it out?

He could think of it later, first, something that wouldn't do too much damage…

"What are you doing here?"

Other-Canada sighed. "Let's just say this idiot gets bored too easily and somehow convinced me that playing with Tony's things was a great idea."

'Lucky bastard,' America briefly pouted, holding the lamp he'd grabbed by the rod. 'Why don't I get to mess with Tony's stuff?'

"What're you doing, anyways?" Other-America asked.

"Oh, nothing really, just- chatting with my brother."

'Oh god, don't look back don't look back don't look back-'

A head briefly peeked into view, and if he had any doubts before, they were lost on seeing his practical mirror image looking back at him. America briefly sent a swift glance to Canada along with a shushing motion, hoping other-him would get it. Other-him glanced between the two of them, lips briefly pressing into a frown before disappearing again.

" 'bout what?" Angels must have been looking after him today. While Canada continued to be distracted playing nice, America crept closer, slowly bringing the lamp overhead, then-

Canada went down like a rock, knife clattering to the floor along with the remains of the lamp base. America could have cried in relief if it weren't for the two weird looks he was now getting.

"Hey, he was about to kill me before you showed up, alright?" America gestured to the knife. "Kept going on about how it was my fault his life sucked - even though that's totes not true - and that he was gonna get rid of me first and-"

"Seriously?" Other-America grimaced, not seeming to doubt him. "Did you guys ignore him a lot, though?"

"No!" At the look he got, he dipped his head. "...maybe sometimes, but it's not like I can always be there for him."

"I swear there must be something broken in the multiverse sometimes." Other-Canada muttered, kicking the knife well away from the prone body. "Stupid invisibility glitch…"

"If we find out there's someone in charge of all this, you'll have plenty to rant at them about, I'm sure." Other-him frowned. "Not that I don't have my own complaints, but-"

Other-him shook his head, turning back to him. "So, uh, what'd you wanna do with him, anyways?"

"I don't know yet. I'm sorta hoping this whole crazy-murder thing was temporary, or it'll be really hard to get him through therapy."

"At least he's not as bad as crazy-Natalya, right?"

"Who?"

"Belarus." Other-Canada commented, picking up Canada and dragging him back into the bedroom so he wasn't lying on the floor. Apparently being considerate was a common trend among Canadas.

Thankfully, crazy apparently wasn't.

"It happens to her too?" America shook his head; he liked Belarus usually - anyone who appreciated rock was by law a good person, even with strange incest fantasies.

"More than you could image." Other-him sympathized. "Imagine crazy-Matt, only more so."

America shuddered.

A device on Other-him's belt beeped, Other-him pulling it off to look at it. "Hey, Matt, Tony's got a lock on us, we can head back whenever."

"That was fast; it usually takes a few days for him to find us."

"For all we know, it might've been; time is really fuckin weird when you're talking parallel universes."

"You're telling me."

Other-him pressed a few buttons on the device, Other-Canada moving to stand next to him. "Alright, that should be it. This trip wasn't too bad, right Matt?"

Other-Canada rolled his eyes. "Fortunately for you. You still owe me from the last trip, you know."

"I'll get it to you next week, sheesh." Other-him turned to look at America. "Oh, and before I forget, don't-"

The two were gone. No flash of light, no popping noise or fading out. It was kinda disappointing.

America glanced back into the bedroom, where Canada had yet to stir.

...He could live with that for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this is poking at the Snapped!Canada fics that seemed to be prevalent for a while. Ironically, when I posted this I hadn't seen any of them in months.


	3. I-Swear-I'm-Not-A-Girl!America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Alfred and Matthew Argue Over Attempted Murder and Appropriate Modern Social Assumptions.

Alfred levelled a flat look at Matthew, who at the moment was flushed in embarrassment.

"I told you the engine would overload."

"I know."

"But you still turned it on?"

"It was an accident!"

Alfred sighed, laughing a little. "At least it just sent us somewhere instead of blowing us up into a million itty bits. You're the one explaining to Tony though."

Matthew groaned. "Fiiiiine…"

The American looked around, recognizing the familiar layout of the neighborhood his New York apartment was on. "Looks like we're close to my place. You wanna wander a bit or head straight there?"

"Either way we'll probably run into ourselves, so let's just get it over with."

Alfred tilted his head back thoughtfully. "Actually, we should make a fast pit stop along the way - there's this new Vietnamese takeout place I wanted to try, and I figure it shouldn't be any different here."

"We don't know what year it is, though," Matthew pointed out. "It might not be there yet if it's a few months or years behind us."

"Damn, true…" The American frowned. "Ah well, if it's not there, it's not there."

"Uh…" The two blinked, turning to see one of the people they'd just been discussing watching them with a mixture of confusion and wariness.

"Well that solves that issue, at least," Alfred muttered as an aside to his brother, extending out a hand for America(? was this possibly a human?) "Heyas, I'm Alfred F. Jones, and this is my less attractive twin Mattie."

"Hey!"

"-and we're here because Mattie decided to try murdering me by blowing up one of the experimental engines in Tony's lab-"

Matthew smacked his brother's shoulder. "It was an accident, you asshole!"

"-you see, he's out for my blood!" Alfred dramatically flinched away, barely suppressing a grin. "So yeah, we're sorta visiting from another universe, and I could explain the science behind it but it's kinda long and convoluted so yeah."

America blinked once, twice, trying to process, before shaking his head. "You get to mess with Tony's stuff?"

"Why does everyone ask that first when I mention it?" Alfred asked no one.

"Probably because they're shocked our Tony hasn't caught on that letting you near anything leads to headaches and chaos?"

"Says the guy who tried to blow me up."

Matthew just groaned.

Turning back to America, the visiting Nation laughed. "Yeah, I get to help him out sometimes with his experiments or whatever. Mattie and I have gotten around a lot in the past couple decades thanks to stuff like this; I'm starting to think it's on purpose - I wouldn't put it past him."

America looked to Matthew, who shrugged in response. "I wouldn't put it past him, either. By the way, are you a girl?"

The home Nation rapidly paled. "Dude, why'd you even think that?"

"Your face is just a bit softer than Al's, and you're a bit shorter and smaller than him. You sort of remind me of Eleanor when we stopped in on that mirrorverse where all the others were girls."

Alfred blinked, peering close. "I don't see it - how can you even tell?"

Matthew shrugged. "I'm the one who has to see you everyday - I just sort of notice these things. Plus there's the makeup right along the jaw to make it look more angular than it is."

"-Oh, now I see it! Damn, that's impressive." Alfred whistled. "Still, trans maybe."

"I know," Matthew rolled his eyes. "I was just curious which it was."

America's lips were pressed together in a thin line. "Don't go around shouting it to the sky, but yeah, I'm female. I'm just a guy around the others because, well-" Her hands gestured vaguely around them.

"No shocker there," Alfred's smile was wry. "Neither of us are gonna say anything, don't worry. Probably won't be here more than a day or three anyways."

Matthew hummed. "So how'd you hide from Arthur as a kid then?"

America shrugged. "He wasn't around a lot when I growing up, and when he did I still took care of my own baths and stuff. He might suspect though, I'm not sure, he's never pushed anything."

"Ah," The Canadian nodded. "Then do you have another name, or do you just consider yourself 'Alfred', then?"

"I… haven't really thought much about having a different name." America shrugged. "I've been considering a few things, like Amelia or Emily, for when I finally come out to the others, but that's a while off. Still, Eleanor… that doesn't sound too bad either."

"The only advice I can give is to make sure you have a camera when you do," Alfred offered. "Because you know at least a few reactions are gonna be worth it."

America chuckled a bit at that. "I'll try to remember that."

"Oh! And try to be careful for the next little while - if your guys are anything like ours, they're gonna get a bit friendly soon-"

"Say no more," America interrupted. "I've already had to deal with a few phases like that, so I know how to deal."

"Sweet."

Matthew interrupted with a cough. "Uh, I know you're having fun making jabs at the others, but we might want to abscond before the other notice us."

His finger directed the two Americas' attention down the street, where a few familiar faces were idly chatting, not noticing any of the three.

"Right, who's up for Vietnamese? There's a new place just down the street I've wanted to try for a while." America offered, pointedly turning away from the approaching group like it was unrelated to the sudden decision.

Alfred grinned. "That's just what I was thinking. C'mon Mattie!"

"It'd better be good…" Matthew followed after, occasionally glancing behind just to make certain they hadn't been noticed.

Thankfully, they hadn't, making lunch a much less awkward affair. Well, considering, anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one should be fairly obvious as to what I'm poking at, though this isn't mocking really, just acknowledging. And yes, I could have gone other ways with Alt!America, I just went with the most common, which is female-hiding-as-a-guy.
> 
> I've always wondered how such fem!Americas could stay hidden for so long, then just suddenly mess up in such easily avoidable ways. Like, I get it, everyone makes mistakes, but sometimes it's just plain silly.
> 
> (Maybe we should also consider more trans!characters in stories, though that's not entirely related to this chapter. I personally like the idea of 'fem!Prussia' being nonbinary.)


	4. What Do You Mean This Isn't How We Solve Financial Issues?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which one of the most infamous Hetalia fics ever gets brutally derailed.
> 
> (tw for implied rape. Yeah, take a wild guess what fic I mean.)

Canada paced back and forth in the main lobby of the meeting hall, biting his lip as his brother continued to fail to appear. They'd agreed to meet up after the meeting in order to go get an early dinner, but America had been kept behind by some of the others to discuss some last minute issues in private.

That had been more than twenty minutes ago.

He told himself that the small knot of worry in his gut was over nothing, and that the discussions were just taking a bit longer than expected.

As he turned on his heel to go the other way again, he spied the familiar brown jacket down on of the side halls, and felt a wave of relief. "America!"

The American turned to him with a puzzled expression, the person he was talking to-

Wait, what? Was that…  _him?_  What the fuck?

Out of nearly morbid curiosity he jogged over to join them, looking between his clone and brother for some sort of explanation.

"-and that's why we are never attempting to go snowboarding on Mars again." The clone finished, finally seeming to notice they'd been joined. "Oh, sorry, didn't see you there."

"Hey, I told you the failsafe would work, and we caught  _sick_  air until the air valves started failing. Hey, other Mattie."

"Alfred, don't call my alternates that!" The clone groaned, reaching over to whack the American in the head.

"Calling them Canada is just weird though, especially that one time where he wasn't actually Canada and we spent like ten minutes having to go over it all."

"Uh…" Canada interrupted, more confused than ever.

"We're from another universe, Alfred wanted to snowboard on Mars, our air supply failed so he hit the emergency escape which apparently dumped us in this universe, and yes I am you, only with an airhead of a brother who thinks playing with alien tech is fun." The- other version of him summarized quickly.

Canada took a few seconds to process that, looking between them to see that beneath their respective jackets were in fact rather - tight spacesuits, something almost out of a scifi novel, complete with helmets being held to their sides.

"Alright then?"

The other America (apparently) grinned sheepishly, patting him on the shoulder. "No worries, it takes a while to get used to. We'll probably be out of your hair in a few days tops once Tony figures out where we've gone this time."

Canada nodded, the thought reminding him that he still didn't know where his own brother was, leaving him nervous all over again. "You haven't seen America, have you?"

"Nah, we just got here." Other America frowned. "Were you looking for him?"

"He stayed behind in the meeting room in order to talk to some of the others, but it's been almost half an hour now…"

The other two exchanged looks before turning back to him. "We could break him out if he's been caught up in boring stuff," Other America offered. "I've wanted to try this new entrance for ages so that I can get it just right for back home."

Other Canada shook his head, though there was a smile on his lips. "I told you, the Dynamic Entry is impossible because it requires changing direction in midair, not to mention going fast enough to keep you from hitting the floor too soon."

"Pheh, minor details," The American waved it off. "Lead the way, Canada, and we'll save your brother from the boredom of old farts."

Canada felt himself relax at the surety the other two held, turning to head back down the main hall to the meeting room. He hesitated when they got close, his sudden bad feeling returning with a vengeance. "In here."

"Right, same as usual, I guess." Other America (Alfred?) nodded, turning to face the wall opposite the door.

"Damnit Al," Other Canada (Matthew, he supposed) sighed as his brother ran at and up the wall, leaving a few holes as he turned and attempted to kick off, leaving a larger hole as he slammed into the doors near the middle, knocking them open with a bang.

"Dynamic Entry!" Alfred posed with a grin before the trio stopped to actually take in the scene inside.

Ten nations had all stopped to stare at them, several half-undressed and half-hard. One held a marker in his hand, pulling away from the no-longer-missing America, who was bound in heavy chain and looked extremely frightened and bruised. Across his forehead sprawled a messy "Useless", while his cheek bore something white overlaying a sloppy "Slut".

The silence grew increasingly tense, all the amusement the trio had had dispersing as they took in the rape scene.

"Canada," Alfred eventually spoke up, quiet and terse. "Can you grab your brother and get him out of here?"

"But-"

"Alfred and I will handle them," Matthew promised quietly, gaze never leaving the group who was now going on the defensive. "But right now he needs to be somewhere safe with someone he can trust, and you're the only one who can do that for him here."

Canada nodded, looking back to his brother and feeling his stomach twist again at the sight. God, why had he let America stay behind without an argument?

At some unspoken signal the two attacked, France barely getting a hand up to block in time before Alfred's fist nailed him in the stomach, sending him flying into the wall behind them with a sickening crunch. Matthew at the same time had grabbed Veneziano, throwing him to the floor by his hair before kicking him in the side of the head.

Canada ran in, balking under the weight of the chains before Alfred stopped in the middle of breaking China's limbs to grab them and tear them open. He nodded in thanks, pulling America into a fireman's carry before leaving as quickly as he could under the weight of his brother.

"Canada…" America slurred, his voice rough from things Canada refused to think about.

"Shh, we're getting you home right now, alright? And I'll call your States to come take care of you so that those- those- can't get near you ever again."

"-Promise?" God, he'd never heard the other so quiet and scared in his life, and he never wanted to again.

Canada nodded, nearly to tears at this point as they finally left the building and made their way to his rental car. "I swear on it."

He'd be dead before he let that promise be broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I have a list of these I plan on writing, and when I randomed my prompt for this chapter I was sorta shocked I got something so srs bsns. But hey, that's the roll for you, and I mean it's quite a way to make a comeback with this fic. Expect more updates in the future as I work through all the tropes I'm frustrated by, most of which should come up a bit more lighthearted.


	5. Bodyswap Roulette - Fun For The Whole World!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew establishes his priorities and Alfred passes on playing hero for once.

"Hey, Matt?" Alfred asked, tone distant.

"Yes, Al?" His brother replied, distracted by the same scene inside the meeting room they'd appeared outside of.

"Is that me arguing with Erika in there?"

"Yes, yes it is." The Canadian nodded slowly.

"And is that you trying to get Arthur's shirt off while Basch is holding you back and Art is waving a flag in self-defence?"

Matthew sighed and closed his eyes to the scene. "Yes, it is, unfortunately."

The American nodded slowly, thinking hard. If there was anyone who could skydive to the correct (if bizarre) explanation for what was happening inside, it was probably Alfred, the northern Nation conceded internally.

"Right, so this is probably Arthur's fault, because it pretty much always is unless it's Tony's fault." Alfred took a few steps back to count off his points on a hand. "And I'm going to give it a ninety percent chance it's a bodyswap, cause if it were just personalities I don't think you'd be trying to undress Artie no matter how much of a daddy's boy you are in this universe-"

"Rude."

"Hey, I know you remember that world just fine, considering you got drunk off your ass afterwards and couldn't look Art in the face for like a month."

Matthew made a face. "Please don't remind me - I just finished burying those memories."

" _Anyways-_ " Alfred gave his twin a pointed look. "-I think if we find out which one is Arthur, we can nab him, get him to tell us which spell he used or mucked up or whatever, and then we can sorta piecemeal together a fix for these guys before we go."

"Ulgh, clean up an alternate's mess again?" The Canadian's nose scrunched. "Why are we always stuck doing that?"

"You're honestly asking me that?" The southern Nation grinned, a laugh just barely being held back.

Matthew raised an eyebrow. "Your unending hero complex doesn't explain Tortebego."

"What do you want to do, then?" Alfred shot back, ignoring his brother's comment.

" _I_  want to catch that hockey game we're going to miss back home because you decided you wanted to see what happened when you pressed the purple buttons on the death ray."

"Are we sure it's the same day?" The American wondered.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's yesterday, since that's the date on my phone right now, but that just means I still have time to get tickets, even if I have to use my Nation status to cheat my way to good seats."

Alfred sighed. "You know, we could just use your invisibility to sneak in and not have to spend cash."

"But then there's a chance we won't get front row seats, and I refuse to stand in the back. Not to mention you know my invisibility never works when I'm at a hockey match." Matthew pointed out, crossing his arms

"Point." The southern Nation shrugged his shoulders. "Fine, we'll leave them alone to fix their own problems for once."

"Thank you," Matthew sighed. "Really, you think you'd be tired of solving the world's problems by now."

"Dealing with the other Nations and their stuff is  _easy_  - dealing with my politicians is like trying to pull teeth with a rattlesnake."

The Canadian raised an eyebrow at his brother before deciding not to even bother asking, turning to head down the hall towards the exit before pausing with a confused expression.

"Mattie?" Alfred asked, before turning to look and shrieking in fear. "Commie ghosts!"

"I'm not a ghost," Russia sighed, such a put-out expression on his face that Matthew instantly was able to figure out what was going on.

"Alfred, it's just alternate me. Apparently I got stuck as Ivan through the bodyswap thing you were mentioning."

"...not a commie ghost?" Alfred asked, peering out from behind his brother suspiciously.

"Not a commie ghost." Both Canadas confirmed, a mutual understanding passing between them.

"Right!" The American unretreated from behind his twin, beaming like the last minute hadn't just happened. "Sorry about that, other Mattie! You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that!"

"I didn't sneak up on you," Russia-Mattie replied. "You just were too busy arguing about whether you were going to get involved in all this… not that I can blame you for avoiding it."

"It's just been too long a month for me to really want to do anything about something this harmless," Matthew replied. "Plus I really want to see this match."

"I still have tickets at my place if you want to share them," The other Canada offered. "I think America and Prussia are going to be a bit too busy to bother, and I still want to go even though I'm stuck like this right now."

"Seriously, you Canucks and your priorities." Alfred shook his head in wonder, looking to the sky as if searching for deep answers. "Is there anything you guys think about other than moose, hockey, and maple syrup?"

"Are you honestly asking me that?" Matthew echoed his twins words from earlier, grinning in amusement.

Russia-Mattie shook his head with a similar grin that looked almost out of place on his current face. "Let's just go before the others notice you two, alright? I don't feel like explaining any of this, and I'm not even sure what questions to ask."

"Trust me, no one ever does." Matthew sympathized, following his alternate down the hall while Alfred trailed behind them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hetalia fandom secret: Ivan once convinced Alfred the ghosts of stalin and lenin would come back to possess him and take over his country.
> 
> Alfred spent most of the following month in a specialized anti-ghost suit designed by Tony, even to meetings, just because the only things worse than ghosts or communists are communist ghosts.


	6. Television Clearly is a Model Substitute For Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matthew's love of hokey shows comes in handy for once, and Alfred's just confused.

Normally, the sight of most of the Nations of the world gathered at their usual meeting table wouldn't raise any eyebrows. Neither would their bickering, yelling and occasional throwing of objects, all while Germany desperately tried to bring things back to order.

What  _was_  unusual, however, was that most of the chaos appeared to be centralized around America and Canada, who were looking increasingly confused as the fights around them went on.

Alfred, as this America chose to go by, slammed his hand down on the table, snapping everyone's attention to him as he yelled, "Everyone shut up for a minute so we can talk already!"

Several Nations sighed in relief as the rest quieted to low murmurings, allowing the twins to finally get a say in since they'd accidentally started a near riot just by walking into the room.

Alfred exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Alright, now that we're all behaving, I can finally say this - I'm not your America. I'm from a different universe, and my bro and I just came here accidentally. Whatever issues my alternate caused, it is not my fault and I do not want to be accused of doing them when I have no fucking clue what y'all are even talking about."

Matthew - aka the new Canada - nodded in agreement. "Basically what he said. We're not here to cause trouble, just visiting for a bit until our Tony brings us back home."

The Canadian then pressed his lips together thoughtfully, turning to England. "By the way, did you mention 'husband' somewhere in there?"

"I, ah, well," The Englishman balked, flushing lightly before glancing away and nodding sheepishly.

"Right," Matthew hummed, fingers tapping against his legs thoughtfully before he turned to Belarus next. "And you said something about a kid?"

"What about it?" The Slavic woman asked, tilting her chin in a challenge.

"Mattie? You picked up all that in the shouting?" Alfred raised an incredulous eyebrow.

"After dealing with the provinces bitching for centuries, you pick up a few tricks for sorting things out as soon as possible." Matthew replied idly.

"That's what I have Ginny for," The American shrugged. "So, you have any idea what's going on?"

"I think so." The Canadian took a breath, closing his eyes for a bit before opening them again. "Apparently, America married England here some time ago, then died and left him alone, and England sort of angsted for a while then got hitched to Canada but he still feels guilty about cheating on your memory."

"What."

Matthew continued on. "Ukraine is apparently Russia and Belarus' mother with General Winter - no I don't know how that works either - but she claimed Kiev Rus was their mutual parent instead to avoid the truth. However, Belarus found out and hasn't decided whether to tell Russia yet or not."

"What."

"Prussia is apparently dating both North and South Italy, while Germany and Spain keep trying and apparently failing at the last second to let them know Prussia's playing them both, though that might also be because of blackmail, I think?" Matthew frowned before continuing. "Also, Lithuania lost his memory and Russia is using that to convince him that they're dating even though he was in a relationship with Belarus and had a kid on the way, which apparently got lost when Russia shoved her down the stairs."

Alfred just continued to stare at his twin, eyebrows raised, while the mutterings of the room increased.

"Mexico and Cuba were apparently going to get married but she died in an accident on the way there that he blames on America, although he dropped it after Spain revealed they were half-siblings through some human women and himself. Monaco, on the other hand, is using money from her last human marriage to pay off some debts to Netherlands while also fighting in court with his human kids from a different marriage."

Matthew took a breath before continuing. "North and South Korea are China's kids with Vietnam, only they were switched at birth so apparently South Korea is actually North Korea and also evil even though that's not how Nations work at all, while North Korea is actually South Korea and trying to fix everything himself. However, North Korea has bribed Thailand and Japan to sabotage his work so that nothing gets done, all so that North Korea can take over the other's land once he collapses."

There were a few small gasps from the crowd.

"Egypt apparently aged like ten human years overnight, only to later be revealed that she was really Ancient Egypt and female all along and that she'd been hiding her identity so that her former lover Rome wouldn't come after her again. Also apparently she's now in a love quadrangle with Greece, Turkey, and Japan, all of whom are trying to woo her while also struggling with possible homosexual feelings for each other."

Alfred was resting his elbows on the table now, mouth hidden behind clasped hands as he continued to listen to his twin. Several other Nations were in similar positions, letting the info dump play out.

"Hungary is pregnant with Prussia's kid after a drunk one night stand and she doesn't know how to tell her husband Austria or if she's even gonna keep the kid, especially since she knows he's been cheating on her with Switzerland, but he also knows she's been cheating on him with Poland and Romania, the latter of which she's had Moldova with already."

Counting on his hands briefly, the Canadian finally came to the last points of his speech. "The African Nations are pretty much uninvolved besides a short fling between Kenya and France, the latter of whom is using them to try and suppress his feelings for his niece Seychelles. He's also slept with England several times even while he was married to either America or Canada, which Canada knows about but can't say anything against because he's also apparently seeing Prussia on the side, though I think that's through blackmail and not genuine affections."

Alfred blinked several times, finally registering that the other was done. "...that was literally more confusing than my first readthrough of Homestuck."

Matthew shrugged. "Hey, I've watched a lot of soap operas; the snippets I picked up on from their yelling match up enough to the usual tropes that it's not too hard to guess what's actually going on."

The American made a face. "Oh my god, tell me you're joking."

"How else do you explain why no one seems to think it's odd that two Nations who are supposed to be immortal short of full on genocide or nuclear winter both mysteriously died without any bodies or replacements showing up?" Matthew pointed out.

"Point." Alfred sighed, rubbing at his face. The rest of the room shuffled nervously, glancing between each other.

The Canadian stopped, frowning as a thought struck him. He pointed a hand towards the door, stating, "If I'm right, America and Mexico are gonna come through that door in about a minute, revealing that they've been alive all along and eloped in secret because they were stuck somewhere away from civilization for the past fifteen years."

"You know," The American mused, "I wanna say that won't happen because it's too stupid even for a soap, but I know exactly which show you're referencing, and since everything else has apparently happened so far, I'd just have to eat my words basically the second I finished."

True to form, the second his mouth shut, the doors slammed open, a ragged America and Mexico stumbling in hand in hand.

The rest of the world gasped in shock.

Alfred and Matthew exchanged weary looks.

"I am never complaining about Homestuck again," Alfred resolved.

"Same," Matthew agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the update of the month! Just something hilariously dumb and goes into how we all know Matt loves his soap operas, the dork. Also, yes, Alfred has read Homestuck. It's not nearly as confusing.


	7. There's Something Wrong With This Picture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Matthew Rants About Coffee and Alfred Is Surprisingly Observant

This was... not to plan.

Not to say that there had even been much of a plan to this sorry job; Matt had clearly annoyed someone Down Below enough to get him babysitting duty to a couple of imps while they caused whatever mischief they wanted to on the surface. He'd figured, if he was stuck watching them instead of doing his own thing, he'd at least get himself a decent cup of coffee, since they couldn't get themselves into  _that_  much trouble in the fifteen minutes it'd take to get it done right, right?

(If nothing else, humans were a gift for producing such an amazing elixir. And no, he wasn't addicted!)

But of course, when he'd come back, not only were the imps all a groaning mess in an alleyway where they'd tried to corner someone, but that same someone wasn't even injured, which should have been the case even with these weaklings.

"Sheesh, those guys were a pain…" Matt blinked as the young man stretched, shaking his arms out before turning around to face him. "Oh, hey there-"

He stopped, glancing between him and the cup almost suspiciously, and damn did that make him look absurdly similar to one of those archangels he'd seen wandering around occasionally. "-Is that Starbucks?"

"...yes?" Matt replied, not quite sure why the other looked indignant at the admission.

The human frowned at that, lifting an accusatory finger at him. "You are definitely not the real Mattie."

" _Excuse_  me?" The demon in disguise balked. "I am perfectly real, thank you!"

"No real Mattie would drink Starbucks because they're always obsessed with their Timmies! So fess up, you creepo." The human responded right away, making so little sense that it took Matt a minute to think up any sort of reply.

"What?"

...In retrospect, not the most eloquent response, but he was still wondering what in the world a 'real Mattie' even was.

"Alfred!" Someone shouted from behind him, drawing his attention away long enough to turn and blink as another human who looked disturbingly like his current form ran past, stopping with an exasperated sigh before the first one. "I told you not to run off."

"I didn't, though," 'Alfred' replied, looking a bit smug. "I got cornered by these guys and they wouldn't drop the issue, so I showed them who's boss. That's not important though, because we've got case of bodysnatching here!"

Both Matt and the second human stared at him.

Alfred continued, looking defensive now. "He has  _Starbucks_ , Mattie - no version of you would drink that willingly."

'Mattie' turned to look at him suspiciously, pressing him lips together at the cup as if its mere existence offended him. Matt wasn't sure how to feel about the scrutiny, and was tempted to just leave the sorry imps there and retreat with his beverage until they forgot about him and continued doing their normal human things.

"...still not convinced," He eventually conceded, though he did look tempted to accept the nonsensical statement as fact.

"What's wrong with Starbucks?" Matt asked, which was apparently the wrong thing to say, especially since Alfred's eyes widened before his entire stance shifted into the weary acceptance of someone marching to an inevitable end.

Mattie, on the other hand, seemed to swell with enough indignant rage to make a Wrath demon like himself fall into a diabetic coma of pleasure, leaving him dazed enough to stay still while the other began to rant.

"What's wrong with it? What's  _wrong_ with it?" The human nearly snarled, sending a shiver through Matt. "It's a mockery of what real coffee should be! It's nothing but horrible, disgusting lies wrapped in corporate propaganda, and doesn't even deserve to be called coffee! Tim Hortons is the only real coffee there is-"

Most of the rant following that passed right over Matt's head, too busy trying not to fall over from the waves of indignant and passionate rage battering against him like a relentless ocean. He barely even noticed the other human staring at him thoughtfully until he'd stepped forward, giving the tail he'd swore he'd hidden a good yank and snapping him right out of the haze he'd fallen into.

"Why would you-" He started to snap out, realizing only after a second that a) he'd just been found out by a mere human, and b) said human was looking distinctly amused at the whole thing.

"So that's what's up," Alfred mused, looking distinctly unthreatened by the idea of facing off against a now-annoyed demon. "Hey, Mattie, cool your jets for a second!"

"-blended to perfection with-  _what, Alfred_?" Mattie stopped once the first human actively prodded him, ire simmering under his skin until Alfred jerked a thumb back at Matt.

"He's a demon, so I don't know if he even counts as Canadian, so he probably just doesn't know what you're even talking about."

"...oh." Mattie blinked twice, giving Matt a long look before grinning just a bit sharply. "Then I should fix that while we're here, shouldn't I?"

Alfred shook his head, turning back to the demon who was preparing for a fight or flight situation. "Sorry, dude, but he's not gonna drop it until you've been converted."

"I don't need-" Matt started to protest, only to exhaled sharply as the first human stepped forward and scooped him up in one fast motion, holding him against his shoulder like he was a backpack and not a fully grown human- well, demon. Any and all attempts to shove his way out were quickly proven not only futile, but worthless, as Alfred didn't even seem to notice his attempts.

Whoever these two were, they were not human, and that was enough to freak him out. Not to mention that nobody was noticing this absurd scenario even though he was practically shouting to be let go!

By the time he was finally allowed to escape, he'd been subjected to three different flavors of coffee he couldn't say tasted any better or worse than he'd already had (though he'd said otherwise when Mattie had gotten that seriously frightening gleam in his eyes - Matt knew damn well how to keep his hide intact), leaving the usually unflappable Wrath demon in a daze as he meandered into a nearby park, sitting down with a bit more force than necessary as he tried to figure out where everything first went wrong.

Of course, that only ended up becoming just a bit worse when he heard laughter across from his seat, the same Alfrael that Alfred had reminded him of cackling even as Matt did his best to glare a hole through him and his stupid angelic aura and wings.

"Have fun back there?"

Someone Down There had clearly collaborated with someone Up There today just to mess with him. Fuck his life sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be slightly more serious, but then the fifteen minutes late with Starbucks joke happened and it basically all went downhill from there. Obviously poking fun at the demon/angel AUs, though tbh I really haven't seen too much of those either. And I don't think I so much made fun of them as I made fun of the Canadian obsession of Tim Hortons (not that there's anything WRONG with that pleasedon'thurtme).


	8. Even I Don't Know How This Works

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, seriously, I've tried for months to figure it all out and it STILL doesn't make sense, so forgive Alfred for just throwing his hands up in defeat.

Alfred held up a hand, trying to think of something to say and failing several times as he processed everything he'd just heard from their alternates. Matthew likely would have given him a sympathetic look and a pat on the back if he weren't similarly dazed, which was less comforting than the American hoped as he tried to reply to the… the…

"...I don't think that's how biology works," He eventually decided. "Or evolution. Or society. Or anything at all ever."

"And how would you know that?" His counterpart asked, shifting his stance slightly to appear more intimidating.

Alfred found it almost amusingly adorable. "First off, I am the literal anthropomorphic personification of the United States of America, so I know all my people's cultures backwards and forwards better than any anthropologist could ever dream of, and right off the bat this whole… Alpha and Omega thing sounds even more fucking pointless and oppressive than I've had to deal with from racism and sexism and everything else.

"Secondly, while I'm not a trained biologist like Eddie or Rose, there's something smelling faintly of bullshit and possibly alien intervention when you mention basically the most bass-ackwards reproduction cycles I have ever heard of, and let me tell you I have had nightmares of some of the things those two have talked about, and that's  _without_  Bella getting her hands on their descriptions of these things and making more scifi B-grade movies with them in it…"

Matthew coughed, drawing his brother out of the diverging line of thought his complaints were starting to travel.

"And finally, I'm not positive since we just got here, but how does it even make sense that history would go anywhere close to the same when you're talking about an entirely functionally and culturally different species to what we have back at our place?" Alfred shook his head, looking around to the buildings which would not have looked out of place in their own world. "Like, the odds of that are so fucking low you couldn't pass a photon under them."

"Manehattan," The Canadian personification supplied, drawing a shudder from the American personification.

"We do not talk about that mockery."

"Um," Matt's counterpart asked, wincing at bit at the looks he got. "Is it really that big a deal? I mean, I don't see what's so strange about it?"

"No one thinks of their own culture as strange," Matthew replied gently. "It's just a bit of a shock since it's… fairly different from those we're used to."

"I thought we'd been dumped in a freaking werewolf universe of something," Alfred muttered. "I mean, who asks why you smell weird right off the bat?"

"Hey, it's not my fault your scents are all fucked up," The human American shrugged. "You're the one who got all uptight about it."

"Because normal people don't go around smelling others casually and then telling them that," Alfred replied right back, looking the human down. "Seriously, do you want me to throw you onto a building or something? Because your posturing thing and the whole big tough guy act is getting sorta old, and I don't know how strong you are, but I fucking benchpress tanks for my weekend workout, so don't test me."

Both humans glanced to Matthew, who shrugged. "He got it from Uncle Tino - sometimes they try and see who can throw the largest boulders into the lake and generally get me soaked in the process."

Alfred's human counterpart paled and backed down after that, which was almost a shame because showing off was always the best part of the whole multiversal explanation process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is prodding at Omegaverse and how popular its gotten since I joined the fandom. No, I am not bashing it as a kink, because I know people have weird kinks they like and who am I to tell people what they like in sexy time stuff?
> 
> However, what I /am/ complaining about is when people try to make a /plot/ out of it all because... honestly? Omegaverse makes NO SENSE in any logical context at all, ergo, just leave it to porn please because no logic is needed there. I mean, I took biological anthropology and learned a lot behind the conditions of how modern humans evolved (theoretically), and really? I just cannot think of ANY good reasoning for any of the omegaverse to evolve under any conditions near close enough to us to actually consider them in the same family, much less the same species.
> 
> (Alfred covers all the rest of my complains nicely, I guess, so I'll stop rambling and muttering here.)


	9. The Mandatory Crossover Event

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which America and Canada Speak To Mysterious Wizards... Okay Maybe Not 'Mysterious'...
> 
> (Note: In this instance America and Canada are my travelers while Alfred and Matthew are the characters from that universe.)

"Wait, how did you two end up in a British school of all things?" America asked, looking remarkably confused all of a sudden.

"Well…" Alfred started, glancing to his brother for some help with explaining it all.

"I was born in Canada and moved down to the States with my mom when I was eight after my dad left," Matthew supplied first. "Since she didn't know about magic, she wasn't sure what to do about my accidents at first, especially since they got worse from the stress of the move."

Alfred grinned in memory. "Yeah, he moved in just down the street, so my own mom decided to welcome them, and we became friends. When he had his next accident a few weeks later, my mom sat them down and explained a lot about the magical world to them, though I really was just glad my new best friend could use magic too."

The Canadian nodded. "Our parents decided to get married when we were ten, and then a bit after that his mom got a job offer in England, so even though my mom complained for days about coming here, we ended up moving about three months before our birthdays."

"And then you got letters?" Canada asked, looking amused. "Sounds like an interesting childhood."

"Not as much as yours," Alfred admitted, leaning forward. "I mean, how does having countries as people even work?"

"Well," America leaned back, shrugged. "Tony - that's my alien friend - mentioned something about panpsyche, but he's still working out the full details of it, but basically we're just ideas given solid, humanish form. It's not like we're the only things around, either - Russia has General Winter hanging out at his place most of the time, Death sometimes shows up to chat with England or the other old Nations, and I'm still convinced I met the actual Earth personified once but I haven't been able to find them again to confirm it…"

"Wow," Both humans muttered, suitably impressed. "Wait, do you guys have magic, then?"

"Huh?" Canada tilted his head thoughtfully. "Well, yes, I suppose so, but it's not as common as it is here."

"I can use magic, since I inherited it from England," America shrugged again. "I don't use it for much aside from warding off ghosts, since I really don't need it for most of the things I do. But I mean, as personified countries we can do some pretty weird things that you'd probably all call magic but really… isn't."

"How come?" Alfred, ever the Ravenclaw, asked.

"What we do just isn't really replicable to the same degree," America frowned, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Like our regeneration - we've checked it versus other methods in the various places we've visited, and there's almost nothing that really matches the speed and efficiency of it that doesn't have nasty side effects, and none of them work if the person is dead. I've seen Nations come back from being burned to death or blasted to smithereens, which short of some really nasty magics is basically impossible for humans."

"You can't die?" Matthew asked.

"We're ideas," Canada confirmed with an understanding smile. "It's a lot harder to kill those than it is to kill a person, especially if they're linked to ingrained cultural concepts."

"The seasons are probably the oldest personifications on the planet if the planets themselves aren't," America added. "Since they're what humans were dealing with way before they ever thought of things like countries or territories."

"Huh," Alfred sat back thoughtfully, trying to parse out the idea.

Canada took advantage to ask his next question. "What decided your houses for you? I thought Alfred would be a shoo in for Gryffindor at least."

"Arthur Kirkland," The human American muttered. "Gryffindor's star player and a real asshole - I met him on the train as a first year and didn't want anything to do with him, so when I had the choice I went to Ravenclaw instead."

"I just wanted to do well at first," Matthew spoke up next. "But then I saw how badly muggleborns like me were treated and I wanted to do something about it, so I sort of ended up in Slytherin."

"I couldn't stop laughing once I found out what was going on in that house, honestly," Alfred grinned. "I'm pretty sure everyone aside from my roommate thinks he's a halfblood because our parents are married and we look kinda similar, and I'm really looking forward to them finding out after we graduate with top scores in all our classes."

"A noble cause if I've ever heard one," America grinned. "What're your goals then?"

"I'm gonna invent cool shit and become famous… with Ivan's help, I guess."

"Ivan?" America raised an eyebrow.

"My roommate," Alfred explained. "He and his sisters are exchange students from Durmstrang, since they're the kids of the Russian diplomat to Britain."

"Huh," The American personification muttered. "For us he's Russia, and his sisters are Ukraine and Belarus. Fairly cool people, aside from the whole Commie thing they had going on for a while."

"Ivan was an ass at first," Alfred agreed. "But then we realized we could make cooler shit together than we did trying to oneup each other, so we joined forces and now we're cool."

Both countries snorted in amusement. "Sounds like a fun story."

"More like a mess," Matthew lamented. "First year was horrible to go through, and I didn't even share classes with them most of the time. It's a wonder they didn't blow up the school or at least their dorms before winter break."

" _That_ is a story I have to hear."

Alfred ducked his head and blushed, knowing the innocent smile on Matthew's face hid a smug grin at embarrassing him again with this story.

"Well, it started on Christmas Eve…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because every fandom must by law have at least a hundred 'characters go to Hogwarts' fics in the crossover section, or else it can't be considered a real fandom. Of course there's the two variants of 'mcs are normal kids going to magical high school' versions or the 'harry potter defensive squad' versions, so that's a thing.
> 
> ...not as funny as I'd hoped, and yes I just used my own HP x-over just because reasons. Shrugs.


	10. After Yet Another Hiatus I Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Alfred and Matthew Fight The Forces of EEEEEEEEEEEEVIL (yet again).

Oh god it was getting closer.

America shuddered, eyes darting between shadows as he clung tightly to his battered bat. It’d already gotten so many of his friends, his brothers, his allies. And he’d tried so hard to stop it, but it was cruel, smart, efficient - it got around every trap to capture it, escaped ambushes meant to kill it, and always, always got another victim.

And now he was the only one left, with no backup and no illusion that he could still salvage this and be the hero, not after what it’d left behind.

(Those eyes, those eyes…!)

He heard a small squelsh and tensed, twirling on his heels only to see nothing. Shit, now it was just toying with him, knowing that after weeks without sleep would leave him frazzled and delusional-

Then he shrieked as something wrapped around his leg, dragging him up into the air even as he swung his bat at the long tentacle dragging him towards the thing. No matter what, he wasn’t going to go down without a last fight! Even as a second and third joined it, trapping his legs further, he still went at it with the desperation of a dead man walking.

 

Then the thing’s side exploded, its shrieks piercing the air even as it dropped him in its blind rage and pain. The sound grated at his ears, though it didn’t last long seeing as a second homing rocket smashed into the thing’s head, smattering oozing black innards across the walls.

America breathed heavily, turning to see who had rescued him, but he was obviously still in a delusional state as he felt someone reach under his arms and haul him up, lifting him over a shoulder that was far too familiar. “C-Canada…?”

The man who looked like his brother shook his head, smile more of a grimace. “Sorry, I’m not him. Just try to stay with me, I’ll get you to the others soon enough, alright?”

“The… others…?” America blinked sluggishly, the adrenaline starting to wear off and leaving him aching and exhausted beyond all belief. “But… they all were…”

“Not everyone got caught,” The man who wasn’t Canada replied softly. “Those that did were able to bunker down and plot out the thing’s movements and order of attack, which is how we were able to track it and its buddies down.”

“...buddies?”

“Two dozen of them, each able to pull its friends out of danger. Would have been a pain in the ass to isolate and kill them without your alien friend’s help-”

“Whoooo Mattie, did you see me there?” Another man bounced up, practically familiar except for the fact that America could not recognize him for the world. Probably because he was tired. “I totally blasted the shit out of that freak, and it only took two shots this time!”

“Very good, Alfred,” The man carrying him drawled, staring at newcomer as he kept moving. “It’s nice to know you don’t need to waste half a dozen of them just to bring one down anymore.”

“Hey, this is the first time I’ve gotten permission to use the damn rocket launcher more than once at a time, cut me some slack,” The other man whined, falling into line slightly behind and to the side of them. “Besides, who was it who almost fucked up setting up the anti transporter devices the first few times again?”

“Tony didn’t exactly give me an instruction manual on the things,” Not-Canada replied. “And I was sort of busy being distracted by the thing trying to grab me with four of its arms at once.”

“Which I saved you from,” Newcomer shot back.

“And I saved you from two of them, so we’re more than even.”

“Damn, too bad there aren’t any more of those things left to blast.”

Not-Canada turned his head to look at Newcomer.

“-I just want some more time to have free reign with the missile launcher, alright? I like things that make big booms, and I’ve gotten the hang of aiming it for maximum damage, and you know there’s no way my boss will let me have one when we get back home.”

“Well maybe if you hadn’t blown up two of your military choppers last time you were given one-”

“That was an accident, and no one got hurt anyways!”

“Which is why they didn’t want to take the chance.”

“Sheesh, no faith in the hero, Mattie?”

“Sorry, I know you too well to believe the best of you.”

_“Hooser.”_

_“Pardner.”_

America finally gave in to the calling darkness as their argument bled into something about frequencies. It was really a shame he couldn’t figure out who they were, because they seriously deserved something after what they’d done...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I was trying my best to make this funnier, but tbh the whole 'tentacle porn' thing always creeped me the fuck out to the point where I can't really play the thing for as many laughs as I should. Alfred managed to salvage what he could, though, so everything is alright!


	11. Man I Wish I Could Have Made This Funnier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which The Twins Get Their Lunch Interrupted By Unwanted War Talks

"Uh, I didn't do anything this time, did you?" Alfred asked his brother, still holding the burger he'd been enjoying for lunch.

"Yes Alfred, I snuck away in the middle of a conversation with you just to get us warped to another damn universe right in the middle of lunch," Matthew replied flatly, gaze dragged away from his quick sweep of the room in order to pin down his brother.

"Hey, for all I know you annoyed Tony or Arts enough to get us banished for a week or two, sorry for checking," The southern Nation shrugged, taking another bite while letting his gaze slide around the room. His gaze narrowed slightly at the decor and the clothing of the people present, doubly so at the main three presiding over it all.

"And for all I know it's your fault," The Canadian shot back, a similar expression on his face once he looked to the same people his brother was.

"Or it could be theirs?" Alfred wondered rhetorically, looking down to their feet and scrutinizing the runic designs. "Looks like that thing Artie summoned Ivan with once. Man that was hilarious, 'specially after Arts noticed and started freaking out."

"Only you, Al," Matthew sighed, shaking his head.

The Yao-analogue coughed into a gloved hand, not so subtly glancing to the two men besides him before stepping forward. "We apologize for calling on you without notice, but we have urgent needs of your services. Our country is on the brink of war, and-"

"Noooot interested," Alfred interrupted, casually finishing off his burger while the aide sputtered.

"Sorry, neither of us are willing to fight for a monarchy," Matthew added, hoping to deter the worst of his brother's rather… heated rants on the fallacies of such a political system.

"If this is about money, then-"

The American laughed, a hint of anger underlying it; his brother simply sighed and shook his head, figuring he might as well let Al dish out his frustration now.

"I'm one of the richest and most influential people in the world back home, bud, and even if I wasn't, there's no about of cash in the universe that would make me ever bend my knee to a goddamned king." Alfred's amusement died away into a deadly serious glower, and as he started walking forward more than one of the lower ranked people present stepped back in justifiable fear. "And you want us to fight a war you idiots started yourselves?"

"We didn't start it!" The Arthur-analogue snapped, Alfred's counterpart still standing firm besides him where even other Nations had started to consider retreat. "We're just trying to keep it from getting out of hand!"

"So your first idea was to call on someone else to fight your war for you?" Alfred almost snarled, just reaching striking range before Matthew caught up and grabbed his arm.

"Al, can the attitude for a minute. I think they're trying to prevent a war, not start one," The Canadian ignored his brother's glower, instead directly staring down Arthur's counterpart. "Am I right?"

"You just about have it nailed," The man replied, relaxing as Alfred backed down and allowed his temper to cool. "Someone or something has been sparking tensions along the borders, and all attempts to get diplomats through have failed miserably. We had hoped to summon heroes who could deter anyone thinking of striking at us first."

The twins looked to each other, hands twitching as they quickly signed out thoughts and ideas; the only way any of the others present had any idea what was going on were through the expressions the two traded as their silent conversation continued. Eventually Alfred sighed, pulling off his glasses to rub at the bridge of his nose before setting them back in place and looking over the regular humans present.

"Well, neither of us are gonna fight your war, but if you want protection for your diplomats, we'll consider it. As for keeping the peace and preventing future outbreaks, Matt and I have a few ideas that should work to keep things manageable. How many countries are involved in this mess, anyways?"

"The four great kingdoms, though there's no doubt the smaller ones might try and jump in if they see an opportunity," Arthur-proxy replied quickly.

"Psh, that's, what, maybe two dozen altogether then?" Alfred asked, snorting when he got an affirmative nod. "Then a UN council should be even easier for you guys to manage provided you don't fuck it up. We have two hundred countries back home, and we've actually managed to make things relatively peaceful thanks to it, so you guys have no excuse to not make it work."

"Fourteen Points," Matthew coughed, and Alfred groaned in misery.

"Fuck, this is gonna be that hard, isn't it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look at what I'm updating again. It's been a while, and it'll probably be another while before I do so again because of all this other stuff I gotta get done whoops. I also wish I could've thrown in more humor but gahhhh so much annoying stuff going on irl. Enjoy I guess?


	12. Rewinding Things A Bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Matthew And Alfred First Realize The Multiverse Is Really, Really Strange

For a guy, her counterpart didn't look too bad, in Eleanor's not at all humble opinion. He's tall, well-muscled, and she has to admit the glasses manage to work with his face, something she'd always secretly grumbled about since her own sister had gotten them as a confederation gift.

Speaking of siblings, while her interest in the new version of herself was somewhat tempered with the weirdness of it technically being her, his brother was not only open game but abso-freaking-lutely adorable. The male Canada was about as colorful in his snark as her sister after a long day, and didn't let himself get pushed around by his brother, and benefited from their shared genetics even if he was a bit paler than the men (and women) she normally liked to charm up in her free time.

"Huh, I didn't realize Tony had that sort of tech," She tilted her head thoughtfully after finishing off a bite of pie, having mostly listened to their explanation of how they'd shown up in her house suddenly. "Doesn't usually let me in there; said some of the stuff was really fragile."

Alfred shrugged. "Yeah, well, Tony needed me to help with something, and Matt came along since he was over visiting anyways. You'd think after the first time he'd've moved the thing, but maybe it's too fragile, like you said."

"I'm still not convinced it wasn't somewhat deliberate," Matthew replied, setting down his empty plate with a significant look at his brother. "You've even told me he's been focusing more on quantum sciences, and you know he's not that forgetful."

"Except that it's taken him weeks to calibrate that tracker thing of his so far on his end, which sort of keeps him away from all his other projects, which you know has to annoy him a ton."

The other Canadian sighed and shook his head. "Maybe we can ask when we get back, then."

"Why not just use magic?" Margaret asked quietly, frowning even as the other three present looked to her. "I think Constantine might have some spells to that regard."

Alfred shook his head with an apologetic smile. "Tried that the first time - only stranded us somewhere even weirder, and made Tony have to work that much harder to find us and bring us back. It's easier to just stay relatively put for everyone."

"Well, I guess you can stay with me then while you're here," Eleanor offered. "I mean, it's not too often I get extra-dimensional travellers dropping by, and I've got vacation time saved up anyways. In exchange, I want to hear all about how in the world your people decided to put men in charge of everything."

Both travellers snorted. "We could ask the same of you two, but it's probably the same divergence point."

"Point. You know, your adventures would probably make a great movie."

Alfred's grin grew, looking almost proud. "I'm pretty sure Bella's already got a few like that, not to mention Artie and Keeks."

"Who?" Margaret asked.

"Ah, California, England, and Japan."

Eleanor's brows rose. "You mean Fausto's counterpart makes movies? He's pretty quiet; last I've heard from Manuel - Mexico - he tends to stick to his farming unless he needs to head into the cities for something."

Both Matthew and Alfred's eyes widened, though it was the former who spoke first.. "Wait, you're telling me Isabel's counterpart is an introvert? She's practically the socialite of the world on our side, and pretty much everyone wants time with her if they can manage it."

The American, however, had narrowed his gaze thoughtfully. "You're telling me California is still with Mexico?"

Eleanor felt a slight chill at the words. "Yeah, why?"

"Because when I fought with Maria over the territory a hundred fifty years ago, I found out she'd been all but abandoned by her and Spain since she didn't have anything of value."

Both women paled appreciatively. "Holy shit, that's awful! I helped Manuel get his government sorted out, so I don't think that happened to Fausto. Was that why you fought over it in the first place?"

Alfred flushed. "At the time, no. My people wanted better access to the Pacific, and California was the most convenient route. Not exactly noble motivations, but I can't regret helping Isabel in the process."

Margaret snorted. "Don't let Eleanor fool you otherwise, she's done the same with the Caribbean. Started as a way to get control from Europe so they'd stay away from our shores, ended up helping them reestablish themselves in exchange for some good trade rights."

Matthew's brows raised. "That sounds like quite a story there."

"Like you wouldn't believe."

Alfred and Eleanor exchanged looks. "Why are our siblings so mean?"

"I blame England."

"Good point."

Both Canadians stuck out their tongues, eventually causing a chain reaction of laughter at the absurdity of the general scenario.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, much like with 2ptalia, I imagine that the Nyo!verse actually has its own timeline and politics and stuff, and 2pnyo!talia is even more strange than either of its mirrors. Also, this is the mentioned nyo encounter from a few drabbles back, so yeh, hoorah, hopefully it's not too sucky.


	13. How To Deal With Evil Alternates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which Alfred Gets To Have A BFH Moment (Matthew, Too)

"You know it had to happen eventually," Matthew tried to comfort, though his expression belayed the forced humor in his voice.

"I know, infinities make everything inevitable, it's just…" Alfred groaned, having taken his glasses off so he could pinch the bridge of his nose. "It's really fucking disturbing, you know?"

"How do you think I feel when we meet one of the crazy versions of me?" His brother asked, bumping shoulders briefly.

"Probably that you'd do the same thing if you could hide the bodies in time," The American joked weakly, though he did bump shoulders back. "I mean, their anger is usually just against me, maybe Artie and Francy too depending, but this version of me…"

Matthew looked up to the sky. "It's like how you were during the McCarthy era all over again."

"It's like how I was a lot of times," Alfred corrected quietly. "I know how easily I can obsess over showing someone up - I have to be better, faster, smarter, because I don't stand a chance otherwise. This guy… he scares me because I _know_ I could've been him if I had made the wrong choices."

Nearly a minute passed in silence before the Canadian replied. "You're already planning your dramatic entrance, aren't you?"

"Obviously," Alfred retorted. "I'm thinking the ceiling, I already have a great one liner in mind."

"He's probably got snipers watching for people taking that route."

"That's why I keep you around, brah."

"He's got a couple Nations hostage, and claims he's got a way to kill them permanently."

"You can get them out in time to let them watch my epic beatdown of my evil twin."

"I thought I was your evil twin?"

"Only on Tuesdays and during hockey season."

Matthew snorted. "Fine, but I get to use the phasers, since I have no idea what I'll need to melt to get to them."

Alfred pulled both out of his pockets, handing them over to his brother ceremoniously. "Just don't lose 'em, got it?"

"Sir, yes sir," Matthew offered a lazy salute, the two grinning in the way that once had Gilbert and Ludwig running for the hills.

~0~0~0~0~

Naturally, America was able to roll out of the way of the piece of ceiling Alfred kicked out in order to make his entrance, but that hadn't been the point. The point was, of course, style, and he nailed it when he hit the ground in a crouch that would have broken human legs but, well.

There were advantages to being as awesome as he was.

"Hey, dude," Alfred spoke, glasses glinting as he readjusted them. "I came from the ceiling because you need to stop."

"Is this their new plan, then?" His evil doppleganger sneered, unimpressed. "Kill me off and replace me with some pliable mimic?"

"Nah, I'm too awesome for that," Alfred replied. "You, on the other hand, are being completely not cool."

"Oh really?" America asked, whipping a gun out of his jacket. "And how, pray tell, are you going to do that?"

"By punching you in the face until you repent," Alfred replied cheerfully, pushing himself the second the words left his lips to nail his double in the stomach before he could react. "I've been reliably informed by Mattie that that almost always works."

"Fuck- *coughcough* -you," America wheezed, regaining his bearing just in time to catch the next swing.

"Sorry, don't swing that way."

The two exchanged blows, neither able to strike a solid blow against the other due to their matched reflexes and strength. Alfred, however, hadn't been focused on a hit, but on removing the gun from the equation, succeeding after a couple of traded blows that ended with him getting a hand around the barrel long enough to disable it.

"Why are you doing this?" America demanded after another round of blows, wiping some blood from the corner of his mouth. "Can't you see how corrupt this world is? Someone needs to change it for it's own good!"

Alfred huffed a laugh. "What, like we're beacon models of perfection? Dude, the reason the Founding Fathers made us a republic was because they knew better than anyone that people are gonna fuck up no matter what they do, but at least there'll always be a way to get someone out of power, a way to make sure there's some justice in the world."

"Oh yes, because that turned out so well," America snarked. "The people are too stupid to know what's best for them-"

Alfred briefly saw red, and when he rubbed the painful flash of light out of his eyes he saw a blackened hole in the other's head, courtesy of a maxed-out phaser blast nearly point-blank. "Sheesh, took you long enough."

"The layout is confusing, alright?" The Canadian replied, frowning down at the weapon. "Uh, I might've burned this out with that last shot, though."

"It's fine, Tony'll fix it. Everyone okay?" He asked, taking back the weapons and pocketing them again.

"Yes, they've got some bruises and some trauma, but nothing they can't recover from."

Both their gazes moved to the corpse, the seriousness of the situation coming to mind.

Sure, he could've drawn the fight out to get information, maybe even a monologue if he was lucky, but he wasn't going to bet his life on the idea that his counterpart wasn't trope savvy enough to think of that. There was being heroic, and then there was being just plain dumb.

And Alfred? Well, no one had ever accused him of a lack of raw intellect when it came down to the wire.

"He's got a lot of contingency plans in place," Matthew replied idly.

"It'd be a real shame if some alternate universe do-good version of him came along and derailed them all before he recovered, wouldn't it?" Alfred agreed, wearing the same smile that'd once bullshitted him out of nuclear war with Ivan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because it had to happen eventually, and we all know Alfred would not put up with that sort of slandering of his own good name, so whelp. Also, this is a bizarre thing to write in light of memories of liking Dark!America things a few years back. Man, tastes change, huh?


End file.
